JOKE OF THE DAY

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JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » October 30th, 2017, 12:23 pm

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and under the awnings were standing the ladies of the night.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy so what are the husbands of these ladies doing?"

"Most of them are cab drivers," she replied.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » October 30th, 2017, 12:23 pm

Two brothers, 6 and 8 were discussing whether the words "hell" and "ass" were cuss words. They both agreed that they were in the Bible and they didn't believe they were bad words. Let's try it out on mom.

The 8 year old went in the kitchen, his mom asked, "What would you like for breakfast dear, some waffles or bacon and eggs?"

He said: "To hell with that, give me some cheerios." She smacked him across the face.

The 6 year old witnessed this and slowly entered the kitchen. His mom in a stern angry voice said, "And what do you want?"

He said, "You can bet your ass I'm not asking for cheerios."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » October 30th, 2017, 12:24 pm

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby Squiggle » October 31st, 2017, 12:07 pm

=))


Formerly known as "Hey you there in the bushes!"

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby Rodcrafter » November 1st, 2017, 5:27 pm

Keep up the good work El Gato


Making memories!


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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:10 pm

A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. He starts to chat with her about the trip and he learns that though they are attending different conferences, they are both staying at the same hotel in the city of their destination. He steps out to the bathroom and when he comes back, the woman is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics from around the world. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter."

They continue chatting and when the refreshments are served the woman says, "By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a monocycle? A tire.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:10 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: A cop comes up to a man on the street.

Cop: Seen anything unusual?

Man: A dolphin with a hat once.

Cop: I mean around here.

Man: No, they live in water.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:11 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed...

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:11 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: A blonde and her husband are watching the news.

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn’t open.

The blonde bursts into tears.

Husband (comforting her): I know its sad, but people need to know that there’s a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that’s a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:12 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…

Sarcastic Al Says:

"I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:14 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:14 pm

jOKE OF THE DAY: After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:15 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife asks, "What would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "A hot Spanish girl!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asked.

"The one I asked for - a hot Spanish girl!!"

"Oh, that," she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is actually a girl!"

Sarcastic Al Says:

"When people won't talk to me, it doesn't bother me. When a dog won't let me pet them, man, that really hurts."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:16 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: An angry wife calls her husband who has missed dinner and yells, "Where the hell are you?"

The husband replies, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile and blushing softens and says, "Yeah I remember that my love!"

Husband says, "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 13th, 2017, 5:17 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?” The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby Rodcrafter » November 14th, 2017, 6:06 am

Ouch


Making memories!


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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby Pete Mazz » November 14th, 2017, 6:20 am

:beer: :beer: :beer: =)) =)) =))


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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 15th, 2017, 2:02 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: My daughter hates school. One weekend she cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.

Sunday morning on the way home from brunch, the crying, and whining built to a crescendo. At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Daddy in jail.”

She looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, “Well, how long would you have to stay?”

Sarcastic Al Says:

"You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 15th, 2017, 2:02 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: My sister works as a secretary for a number of medical doctors. One is the father of 10 children. One night it was his turn to stay home and take care of the house and the kids while his wife got out to relax.

The doctor settled down in the living room to read his newspaper and magazines. There were kids running all around, up and down stairs and just having a grand time. Finally it got to be about 8PM and the doctor calls out with a loud voice, "OK, everybody upstairs and start getting ready for bed!"

There is heard this stampede of kids heading up the stairs as they were ordered. The doctor settles down in his chair with a bit more of peace and quiet. Only a few minutes pass when he hears the distinct foot fall of someone coming down the stairs. He hollers out, "I told you to get upstairs and to get ready for bed."

Next thing heard is the sound of feet running upstairs.

Once again, the doctor settles into his reading. Not two minutes pass but that he hears quite distinctly the steps of someone coming down the stairs. He gets up out of his chair and goes and stands at the bottom of the stairs. With hands on his hips I looks up at the child and says, "Didn't I tell you to get upstairs and get ready for bed?"

Sheepishly the child looks at the doctor and says, "But mister, I don't even live here!"



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 16th, 2017, 5:10 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

Sarcastic Al Says:

"To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby ajfoxy » November 17th, 2017, 4:16 am

Hahaha... that was a good belly chuckle... thanks


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Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. Henry Ford

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 17th, 2017, 11:48 am

Joke Of The Day: 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » November 17th, 2017, 11:49 am

OKE OF THE DAY: The ups and downs of the Stock Market frightened a lot of small investors. One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.

His adviser replied, "Well, let me put it this way, I sleep like a baby."

The man was amazed and exclaimed, "Really? Even with all the market fluctuations?"

Answered the adviser, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » Yesterday, 1:27 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.



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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Postby El Gato » Yesterday, 1:28 pm

JOKE OF THE DAY: After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange.

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."

Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."




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